The Paycheck

I just finished a conversation with my youngest son which ended, as usual, with me talking to dead air. I never have been able to instill phone courtesy in some of my children. I’ve learned not to take it personally, in his ADD mind I’m sure he’s on to other concerns in his thoughts.

He called in a panic. He was looking at his pay stub and had no clue as to how to read its information. Somehow, he thought that most of his paycheck was going to go towards taxes and other deductions.

It is a shock the first time you realize that some of your hard earned money will never cross your palm, but disappear into the huge entity we call government. To a young person who worked hard to earn a low paying wage, that money suddenly has more value. You hate to tell him that the higher his wage scale, the higher the percentage of his earnings will disappear into Uncle Sam’s ever open palm.

Poor kid, he didn’t know what net earnings meant; he thought that was what would be taken out, leaving him a pittance. Rationally, that seems pretty insane; all he had to do was to look at the check. Face it; I’d be willing to bet that the majority of young people sitting in government classes are zombiefied while the teacher dryly relates our system’s tax system. Having your pinkie nail pulled out by the roots would be preferable to that lesson.

In my role as a good mother, I took that moment to give him a mini lesson in the hated necessity of taxes. After all, we have paved roads, schools, police forces, libraries, firemen, armies and thousands of other amenities made possible from them. I even threw in that I had been in countries that don’t have our complex support system and how crappy the quality of life was for many of the people. It wasn’t long after that I realized I was talking to myself. I suddenly felt like that government teacher.

He asked me where he would have to sign the check and it was evident he’d figured that out correctly. I asked where he planned to cash his check and he mentioned the name of the credit union our family uses. I reminded him that without an account, almost all financial institutions would charge him a check cashing fee and require identification including his fingerprint. After all, they would be taking a chance that the check could be bogus.

I never got a chance to congratulate him on his first real paycheck, I’m sure he was eager to see what it feels like to spend some of that money. Of course, he has a few debts to pay. He had to borrow money to buy jeans to wear to work because his favorite style of raggedy, multiple hole ones were inappropriate. He also had planned to borrow money for a new phone; he’d sent his through the washing machine with those same holey pants.

He did not come to me for a loan. Right now, I am only a figure from afar in his life. He calls or visits me when he needs to be regrounded or reassured about a fear in his life. Number 6 child is of legal age and abruptly moved out with no warning twice this year. It seems to be his nature; it must be easier than the possibility of hearing any negative feedback. Of course, I would have definitely done the proper parental thing and advised him that he was not making a very wise choice.

It is really tough watching someone you love making a choice that you know with every fiber of your being is doomed to fail. He has been such a fragile person, he was so damaged when he came into our lives and we have fought so hard to guide him over the wreckage of his past. Basically he had to learn to be a person; his abuse had been so acute he had retreated into a world of dissociative behavior. Bringing him into the real world, helping him fuse with his feelings and encouraging him to learn to be a social being has been a hard journey. He has had so much personal pain in his life; I ache to see him put himself in the path of more.

Once he emerged from the hard shell of his protective cocoon, he rebounded in the opposite direction. All he wanted was a social life and his hunger for human connection was so strong, he was unable to function in school. The social pressures were so hard in high school; he finally retreated once again and spent the day in sleep and isolation. It was one of the hardest decisions of my life, but we finally pulled him out and immediately he revived and began to develop again. It took almost two years for him to find himself active in society with friends and girlfriends; he was happy and beginning to evolve.

Unfortunately, he was not evolving in his education or work life. Sigh. Number 6 seemed to be fated to evolving one life skill at a time. Considering how far he has come, I have to look at his situation different than a parent who received their child from the womb, a clean slate. When you get your child at an older age, you have no control over his development or the treatment he has received. It is a shock to realize how cruel and sadistic parents can be to their children. I’m amazed he is a functional as he is.

The first time he moved out was with Number 3 child, it was doomed from the start. They moved in with a casual friend in a rural community south of our city. Neither had a vehicle and only one had a part time job. Needless to say, the struggle to try to maintain a social life and feed themselves ended badly. They drove off many of their friends after badgering them for rides and mooching off of them. They were in a rebellious stage and I’m not sure I want to know what their social life entailed. They were not in communication with us for almost two months. Eventually Number 6 had enough of it and appeared home one day and asked if he could come home.

There was an event that I know played a large role in his need to get away. Prior to his disappearance, he was the passenger in a car that struck and killed a fellow student who tried to cross a wide, busy thoroughfare late one night. The victim was with a group of friends, but due to his little person stature could not move as quickly as the others. The memory of the moment of his body being struck and what followed was extremely traumatic. I know my son grieved for that young man. He has a tender heart and is young to learn the sobering lesson that we are mortal and death is real. It was ruled an accident, but I know it will remain in his heart and mind forever as a horrible tragedy he wishes he could have prevented. Unfortunately it is just one more thing to trigger flash backs in his mind.

I know that you cannot run from yourself, but it’s not usually something that a nineteen year old understands. He has been on the run from himself every since. He is running from his past, his failure in school, his unhappiness with himself and the responsibility of his life.

That paycheck is a big symbol to me. It is not just my son’s first conventional paycheck, but a sign that he is beginning to mature and face life. Five years ago, few would have believed he would have ever reached this stage.

I have definite morals that follow conservative lines. I do not believe in breaking the law, casual sex for teenagers, drug abuse or destructive behaviors. When a person is emotionally damaged, it seems many are drawn to these behaviors like a nail to one of those super electromagnets they use in a junk yard. I know he crossed the line with more than one of my standards. It’s not because I’m one of those holier than thou stiff hypocrites we all know and love; it’s because I’ve lived enough years to see what these behaviors do to damage people.

I always knew Number 6 would be vulnerable to affairs of the heart. He spent so many years unloved in this world, alone and friendless. Because of the shell he erected around himself, it was almost inevitable he would be vulnerable to the heady sensations of romantic love. He met a young high school girl as vulnerable and desperate for love as he was and dove headfirst into a steamy relationship. Their love was instantaneous and fiery without any real knowledge of each other. They were both deeply in love with the idea of love.

Wisdom tells you that real, deep mature love that can weather time and problems can only develop as persons spends time together and share experiences. It also tells you that teen romance can seem very real to those involved, but it is only a stage in the development of an individual on their way to real love.

One day Number 6 disappeared again and we learned through acquaintances of my two youngest daughters that he had moved in with his girlfriend. I was broken hearted, it was not what I know in my heart will be what he needs.

I was also angry and horrified. The girl is eighteen, but what parent of a high school junior invites her boyfriend of maybe a month to move into their daughter’s bedroom? I find it inconceivable and irresponsible. As time passed and I learned more about the situation, it became clearer. It seems the mother is married to a man who is not the girlfriend’s father and they had one year old twins. Number 6 was recruited as a babysitter. The daughter was not reliable or willing. The father works part time and seems to have an affection for weed. The girlfriend has a notorious temper and a reputation for being “weird” and wild at school. Never underestimate the power sex has over the mind of a teenage boy. It is a seductive drug that is hard to resist. Violence and conflict have a bad effect on my youngest son and trigger episodes of flashbacks and probably panic attacks. I’ve been told the stepfather has beaten his stepdaughter.

Why do some of my children chose to enter the lives of dysfunctional families that bring back their past again? Experts tell us that deep in their psyches they are trying to relive their past only this time have some control over it and even make it better. It makes sense. When a child is abused, there is no control, no ability to make things right.

As some of my children attempt to relive their early years and change the course of history, Mama sits at home holding her breath, hoping they emerge through the experience safely. Meanwhile, I’m here, waiting for them. It is my job to be here when they reach for a hand or branch to pull them out of the deep pool of quicksand they have thrown themselves into.

Once a child is of legal age, you lose important control over them. You don’t legally have the ability to keep them from getting in trouble. You just have to advise, warn, beg or whatever you can think of to try to guide them back onto the safe road. Sometimes they take a dangerous path and there is no rest, only unpleasant anxiety as they move along. Sigh! I swear it is harder than when they were little. Now the mistakes can be more serious and impact their entire adult lives. I just have to hope and pray maturity sets in and their minds suddenly remember the things we have tried to teach them about life.

Love can definitely bring incredible joy, but it can also bring unbearable pain. That paycheck was a ray of hope for me. He finally pursued a real job and was able to secure one and make it past the first day. It symbolized an ability to make a commitment.  An added hope is that he has reenrolled in the GED program and has set up a class schedule. 

I know that all is not well in the land of romance and he has called and asked to come home more than once lately. So far, he’s been drawn back into the relationship; like I said, sex is very powerful in the life of a nineteen year old. It can even convince one that it is true love and not just a physical act. It is all very confusing to one who did not have a loving start in life and craves real affection. Perhaps the next paycheck in my mind will be when he sees the difference. It will be pleasant mile marker in his journey to responsible adulthood.

　

A Step Backwards for Mankind

Today I am grieving for the passing of something I have been close to all of my life. I watched it grow as I grew, my heart swelled in pride with each success and ached for each set-back. It was a part of my generation, a moment in history never to be matched again. It is so inconceivable that it is happening, but the chapter is unfolding.

My husband was up long before dawn, showering and dressing for work and more somber than usual. He has gone to join his fellow workmates to watch the last gasps of an incredible era. There will be celebration for the safe return of the astronauts, another mission that took so many thousand man hours to produce ending in success. There will also be tears and heavy hearts, and a sense of loss that will reverberate through their lives. I'm glad my father is not here to witness the moment, it would be as though all the hard work and dedication that he and his fellow workers dedicated to the mission has been dismissed as unimportant and unworthy of notice.

In these times of personal panic for individual prosperity, the big picture has faded until it is entirely out of focus and brushed aside. Unfortunately, there will be consequences as time unfolds, unfortunate consequences for this great country. I love this nation and am afraid for its future, for its long tem prosperity.

Most people look at the success of the nation in terms of the economy, of joblessness, of high numbers on the Dow Jones Industrial. Normally they see people spending money, driving fancy new cars, wearing fashionable clothes, building big luxurious homes and indulging themselves in vacations and entertainment and see it as a good thing for our country. When they see corporations paying high dividends and capital gains they feel confident and certain that all is well. Admitedly, those are good signs, but it is not enough.

There are investments in our nation that cannot be easily measured. They are quiet and move behind the scenes touching our lives in ways we'd never imagine. There are things that we take for granted in our everyday lives today that are derived from that hidden investment. You have to look close at some things and dig below the surface to find its true value. There are good minds working hard in areas that don't interest the majority, and they are not seeking notoriety for their work; but the things they conceive have changed our world since mid century in ways that are really amazing. Spin-offs on their research has produced huge industries. Out of need to solve a problem that was a new uncharted challenge for man, doors opened that catapulted us into another era. Certain sciences were prodded until progress in areas were racing forward years ahead of normal development. It was an exciting era for those who were directly involved and at times for the rest of the world.

Today, the space shuttle settles to earth for the last time. The proud birds will never fly again. They are old, tired and have served the program well. America is entering a new era, we will no longer be the proud leaders in space; we are at the mercy of our old competitor for lifts out of our atmosphere. America's astronauts will be hitchhikers to the space station that they worked so hard to install out in that dark, cold inhospitable environment above our world.

It is the nature of man to explore the unknown spaces around him and it allowed the earth to be populated on all the continents, even Antarctica. In that exploration, the world literally unfolded before us revealing its treasures, beauty, incredible variety and complexity. Once the world was thought of as a small flat place in which man thought he had to limit his travel or fall off the edge into the horror of the unknown. The sea was a mystery, man really only understood the surface and a shallow depth below. Today the vast seas are still a place for exploration, and technology is making that possible.

Now the world has taken on the shape of a globe and man has no fear of falling from its surface. While some turned to the seas to discover the unknown, others looked to the heavens. Knowledge of the universe has developed exponentially from the centuries before. How incredible, how privileged to live in a generation that has begun to look beyond our fragile atmosphere and to see ourselves as part of a larger neighborhood that consists of planets, stars, galaxies and other matter. We now see ourselves as a minute speck in a universe that defies the capacity of the majority of minds to even begin to grasp.

Some feel these studies and explorations are a blasphemy to their religious concepts and the two shall ne'er meet. I actually feel a closer relationship to my God and a wonderment at the miracles that exist in nature and the organization of all that exists. My father once expressed his thoughts and it actually echoed my feelings and made me feel more comfortable with this life. He said that the complex process of creating a child in itself is quite a miracle and that to even live for a moment is a blessing and an honor. To be able to live a lifetime on this planet is a phenomenon in the scheme of the universe. Anything that might come after that is just icing on the cake. The possibility of life existing at all has very negative odds. We like to think that there is more life out there somewhere, but, then again we might be it, as far as complex organisms ever got.

I am watching as the space shuttle Atlantis approaches its final landing. It is now being piloted by human hands and the twin sonic booms have signaled that the craft is at a subsonic speed. The complex machine is getting closer and will touch down in one minute and be transformed from a useful machine to a historical relic. We can hear it; we can see it racing down the strip; the nose gear is down and the chute is deployed. You can hear it slowing and after thirty hard working years, the space shuttle program has ground to a halt.

Now we wait, the government that is in office is not particularly interested in our space endeavor. There is an ignorance and a chosen blindness to its importance. They try to convince us that private industry will take the reins and continue the mission. Without the strength of the government behind it, private industry will not expend the sums that will be required to fund pure exploration. Unmanned space travel is going to be an important part of our exploration, but involving the human factor allows all of us to experience the wonders through their eyes and to inspire our lives.

The longer we wait, the harder it will be to continue. NASA is waiting for direction. Incredible capabilities for scientific development are stagnated and unproductive. Brilliant, imaginative minds have been assembled and the combination is prime for great things. To dissolve these teams would be a tragedy for our nation.  Already, the landing of Atlantis has signalled unemployment for thousands of dedicated employees.

While America pretends that this program is unimportant, nations like China and India are pouring money and effort into their programs. China is moving rapidly and has the benefit of our technology as a huge boost to their program. Look at history; always, the nation that controls the newest forms of transportation and ability for warfare is the most powerful on the earth. Once, ships were the standard and those who had large, well developed and ever evolving fleets had the strongest economies and the most influence over the world. Next came aircraft and the nation with the best air force and the most advanced machines was the top of the heap. Right on their tail came missiles that can deliver powerful forms of destruction from great distances. Right now, that is us, but look over your shoulder because a new efforts to function in outer space is changing the balance of power. Eventually those who control the space around this world will have the reins.

New economies are developing rapidly across the sea and they are very aware of this coming phenomenon. They have the ability to focus in this area and dedicate manpower and materials to the accomplishment of success. Their governments will give importance to this program.  There will be a necessity to develop more technology and that technology will strengthen their nations in many ways one would not expect.

We need to wake up and realize that technology is a huge influence on an economy. Fortunes have been made on the technology that flowed out of our space industry. The development of the computer was given a huge kick forward. The need to manage vast amounts of information related to space travel had to be conquered or none of this would have happened. We take our laptops for granted today, but it would have taken a huge roomful of machines to handle the programming needed to make it run the material we think is normal.

The applications of materials developed to accommodate the needs in the hostile environment of outer space is mind boggling and spread into all areas of our life. Lives have been saved and made more tolerable because of adaptations for medicine. Lives have been saved because of the network of satellites that keeps watch over this earth and has advanced our ability to predict weather and give warning to those in danger. Because of the nature of NASA as a government entity, it does not advertise itself like private industry does, there is no marketing to boost the profit line.  Most of the general public lives in ignorance of the benefits reflected in their lives from the many advances ceated from the space program.

I have a strange feeling that being able to understand and maneuver in space could someday mean the difference in our existence or our extinction. What a shame to cease to exist because a piece of space debris crashed into our surface wreaking havoc over the planet for a hundred thousand years. Impacts from asteroids have left their scars over the surface of our earth.  Some had cataclysmic result on the environment.  I want our species to survive and continue to evolve and learn and interract. We need to watch our heavens and prepare ourselves for that day. The ability to intervene is within our grasp, we mustn't become complacent.

Life will go on, people around the city are beginning to stir and start their day. The stock market will buy and sell as usual, kids will continue to enjoy their summer break, doctors will perform surgery and the business of courting and loving will continue in the back seats of cars parked on lover's lane. For many, nothing has changed, but my life has and somehow I feel my country is now more vulnerable.

I pray there are still men and women in our government and in positions of influence who have an inkling of how close to the edge of the precipice our nation is getting. A nation that does not lead in technology and science will fall in position. I'm not ready for this country to take a back seat to another because we are damn fools. Stand outside tonight and stare into the heavens, that is our frontier. Who knows what could be discovered that would be of benefit to us, if we don't seek, we'll never know.

　

Here I AM!

How did I get here? When did I lose my waistline and where should I look for it? One morning I woke up and I realized I had thinning hair, dry crepe paper skin and gallon sized bags under my eyes. My ankles are hiding some where in there and recently I lost the battle with my right big toenail. The podiatrist said lose it or suffer the consequences of a plague-like staff infection. There’s a hot, sexy vixen flowing through my veins, but no one could possibly know it to look at the strange body I now seem to occupy. Perhaps one day I’ll remove all the mirrors from my home to reduce the chance of catching my reflection unaware.

My dogs and I have a lot in common, I visited the people vet this last year and got permanently fixed. I read somewhere that spaying increases the lifespan of female dogs, I hope I get the same consideration for all the discomfort I went through. It has crossed my mind that I might be able to sue my gynecologist for misrepresentation. When I asked if I’d feel different afterwards, could my womanliness be jeopardized and would I be the same person, he smiled confidently and spoke in a gentle voice when he reassured me I would soon be back to my old self. Ha! I woke up and thought I’d been put back in the wrong body after they finished carving out what used to be pretty lousy reproductive organs. At least I had used to have a few drops of oil on the surface of my body and my skin had a smattering of elasticity. I look in the mirror and search everywhere for the person that used to be me and it is nowhere to be found. Somewhere out there is a woman with my sorry body thrilled to have the little blessings that are foreign to me now. It worries me that losing all those hormones might make people think of me with that term for female dogs that starts with the second letter of the alphabet and rhymes with twitch.

To be perfectly fair, the surgery was just the straw that broke the camel’s back. Five years of taking the drug I like to refer to as Tommyhawksifen really got the ball rolling at lightening speed. For those of you who aren’t familiar with drugs that suppress your production of vital female hormones, it’s menopause in a bottle. I shouldn’t complain, it served a worthy purpose as a deterrent to the return of estrogen sensitive breast cancers. I stayed safe during the five years it was sanctioned for protection and am thankful for its existence. Someday I’ll let myself reminisce about that period of my life, it did put a few things in focus.

The world is whirling around me as I sit in a vortex of colliding emotional storms and teenage hormone surges. There’s not a drug out there that can be as unpredictable as male and female hormones and now I believe that Dr. Jekyll and Mr. Hyde were real-life characters that a clever author passed off as bravissimo inventions of a brilliant imagination. He took poetic license, though, and added a few years to the character’s age to conceal the identity of his obnoxious teenage cousin. I imagine the delight he must have felt to recreate his irritating younger relative for generations to view with horror and disgust. Somewhere out there is a first edition of the book with a personal note written to the poor kid thanking him for his inspiration.

Lately my fading intellect has been obsessed and entangled with the incredible drama being unveiled by my teenage and early twenty’s children. I thought that once they finally got to eighteen or nineteen I would start to see the light at the end of the tunnel. Don’t ever, ever, ever think it’s almost over. To have sweated out the high school years so far without an arrest, death, crippling injury, addiction or pregnancy (motherhood or father hood) made me relax my tense vigil so that I could go through a period of physical impairment. It was a huge mistake. I think there is a terrible virus that has possibly mutated at my house and infected some of my children. Actually, I think it might be the world’s first look at a heinous new affliction, a hideous mating of demonic possession and brain altering viruses. Ask anyone who knows them, they’ll back me up despite fearing public scorn. How did it begin? Where did it come from? More importantly, where is the cure?

You laugh and say I’m not the first mother to go through the hell years of puberty and pre-adulthood. No, I’m not, but it’s my first time around and maybe eventually it will become clearer to you what I‘m talking about. You see, it’s been a long journey to get them this far, a long hard journey. Don’t misunderstand, I love my children deeply, but I swear they put the skunk stripes on either temple.

Once upon a time there was a man and a woman who married and waited for nature to take its course and toss a couple of progeny their way. The woman had lousy ovaries that sputtered and stopped only to surge and sputter again. Doctors call it something like polycystic disease of the ovaries, I called it a true curse of womanhood. It was either feast or famine and the poor eggs never could figure out when a good time to wander down the fallopian tube was occurring. Most of them clung to their home base, refused to completely grow up and mutated into another form to hide from Mother Nature. Only once did a brave little volunteer make it to the promised land, but as luck would have it, only lasted a little less than three months. The years went by and after fourteen years of marriage, it didn’t take a genius and too many doctor’s to tell us that it had about as much chance of happening successfully as I would have of becoming a world class, Olympic athlete.

It was time to decide whether to continue on as a pair or to go forth and find our own children. Looking around, reading the news, it was obvious that there were a lot of children in the world who needed parents and we thought it might be a good idea if a couple of them could meet up with us and we could solve each other’s problems. It sounds simple, the round peg goes into the round hole, the square peg goes into the square hole. It should be simple, but as usual, law and good intentions butt heads with old wives’ tails and ignorance and thousands of children of all ages sat unqualified for adoption.

The story of how we became a family of ten is unusual even to me, but one I would not have wanted to miss. To summarize, we adopted a baby boy from out of state in a private adoption and nine years later adopted a family of seven fully related siblings through the state system. We were thirty-six and thirty-seven when our oldest literally flew into our lives in a spinning day of rushing about, signing papers and putting the birth mother and birth grandmother back on a plane. We’d barely had a chance to hold him much less do the traditional ritual of undressing and counting fingers and toes as we realized we had the most fantastic baby in the world. My parents, sister, aunt and niece got that privilege while we did the legal thing.

The televised families with six babies don’t have anything over our story. We suddenly had seven new children from the ages of two to eight in our house. We had to find furniture, clothing toys, toiletries and everything a child needs to feel they are moving into a home that is ready and waiting for them. There was only a couple of weeks before they came for their first visit. We were determined to have rooms ready for all of them, completely stocked. They needed to feel wanted and special. It would be easy to let myself drift back in time and tell the dramatic stories of how we got our children, I’ll save it for later. Six weeks after meeting four boys and three girls, they were officially our foster children on a track for adoption.

Adoption is close to my heart and you can count on my viewpoints cropping up at any time. We’ve had a private out of state adoption of an infant and a state controlled adoption of older children. We’ve had a lot of people approach us to ask about adopting and I’m always ready to answer any questions they have to ask, assuming I can answer their particular question. Each adoption is unique and laws vary geographically. If you want to know, we are the unofficial poster family for adoption and have never been anything but open about how we became a family. I usually tell people I have eight adopted children, not because I feel they are not equal to birth children, but to advertise the option. We feel that adopted children are very special. It is damn hard to get them and you have to literally go through FBI investigation, state investigation and interviews to qualify. Just think, we each had to practically write a book answering very personal questions about ourselves concerning personal beliefs, philosophy of life, a detailed family history and even intimacies of our sexual relationship. That was a hard one, should you play it down, spice it up? I finally decided to answer truthfully but tastefully. (I did wish I could compare my answers to some of the other prospective parents just to see if I came close to the norm. I think most people have wondered about that in their lifetimes). We always told our kids that being adopted made you very special, that adoptive parents had to want you awfully much. After all, some birth children are not planned, but adopted children are hard to come by and very treasured. A few parents told me that their kids wanted to know why they were not adopted, they wanted to be special too. I knew then that the kids didn’t mind being adopted, they were proud of it.

All that happened twenty-four and almost fifteen years ago. How could it have been that long? I need more time! There is so much that I want them to learn before they all leave the nest.